Friday, July 29, 2011

Characters you really wouldn't want to date

If ever you’ve been present in a game lobby when a woman joins the game, you’ll have noticed how bad some gamers are at dealing with the opposite sex. You’ll be lucky if ‘Make me a sandwich, b*tch’ is the least offensive thing you hear. No wonder games are full of buxom beauties and musclebound hunks - it’s not as if some of those gamers are ever going to get near a member of the opposite sex in real life so this is the closest they will come.

Of course, not all game characters make ideal fantasy partners either. Here are the 10 gaming characters who really aren't dating material...

Ashley/Resident Evil 4

We can forgive her jailbait era Britney looks and tendency to alternate between inane questions and cries for help. We can forgive her near constant need to be rescued. We can even forgive her Presidential parentage, but what we can’t forgive is that damn sweater. Bright orange polyester was bad enough 35 years ago when it was in fashion, but when you’re skulking around in the darkness trying not to attract the attention of chainsaw-wielding Spaniards accompanied by what appears to be a busty blonde belisha beacon, it’s unforgiveable. Her fashion sense rules her out of the romance running.

Duke Nukem/Duke Nukem Forever

Duke is an anachronism, flying in the face of all the new age men out there who treat their partners with respect and decency. Anyone who spouts so much verbal silage, smokes Cubans like a chimney and isn’t adverse to fishing around the toilet bowl and then daubing the walls with an old turd isn’t exactly the type of guy you want to take home to meet the folks. And he’s not exactly punctual either - despite promises to the contrary he couldn’t even be bothered to turn up for his own sequel until 14 years had passed!

Mario/Super Mario Bros

The pint-sized Italian lothario isn’t exactly the ideal man... not only does he keep allowing his friends to get kidnapped, he’s clearly not fond of animals (note the fish, turtles, beetles and caterpillars he happily kills in his many games). Not only that but he’s got a penchant for magic mushrooms!

Otis the janitor/Dead Rising

Talk about needy. This guy just won’t take the hint, will he? No matter what you’re doing or what’s distracting you at the time (typically hundreds of crazed flesh-eating zombies), he just keeps on calling your phone. If you don’t answer he gets shirty, if you do pick up he warbles on and gets all demanding - normally wanting you to go somewhere sharpish. And then if you don’t make it in time, he just gets even more irritable. STOP CALLING ME!

Roman Bellic/GTA IV

Looks aren’t everything but he clearly takes little pride in his appearance. What’s more, all he does is talk about girls like a horny teen. It’s just damn inappropriate. Then when he’s not thinking of carnal pleasures, he acts like a little puppy always needing attention... come play with me, pleeeeaaase - game of pool? Fancy some darts? Drink?

Sheva/Resident Evil 5

Have you ever been to a restaurant with a woman who only orders a salad and then eats half your chips? Well Sheva in Resident Evil 5 is just like that, except instead of a restaurant it’s a third world hellhole full of rusty spikes and angry monsters. And instead of chips, it’s medicine and ammo. So, quite a lot worse, really.

Rico/Just Cause

Got some pretty porcelain nick-nacks? Maybe a nice glass vase with a single flower in it? Well you won’t have it for long if you start dating Rico. The man just lives to smash your sh*t up. We don’t know if he has a destructive nature or is just a klutz, but either way, he’s bad news. Worse still, he’s playing three factions against each other. If he’s faithless at work, could you trust him the rest of the time?

Niko Bellic/GTA IV
Unlike his cousin, old Niko is quite adept at putting it about a bit and working his magic on the ladies. When not roaming downtown Liberty City, filling bad guys full of lead or driving at breakneck speed along one way streets, he’s chasing ass and having his way with any buxom broad who invites him up for coffee. Have you seen his internet dating profile?

Solid Snake/Metal Gear Solid 4

By the time you get to MGS 4, stealth hero Solid Snake is a sneaky, grizzled old man with a greying moustache and mullet, prone to ‘restoring himself’ with a quick flick through a dirty magazine. If he were a real person there would be a court order preventing him from going within 500 yards of the nearest girl’s school and local children would have made up rude songs about the creepy old goat.

Grayson Hunt/Bulletstorm

Rugged and good looking he may be, but he’s certainly not dating material. Set aside his bad career prospects, this guy is always searching around for hard liquor and can’t handle his drink at all, just a sniff of the strong stuff sending him stumbling about the place like a hobo. And we haven’t even mentioned all the profanities: “Here comes Butterdick Jones and his heavenly asshole machine!” Tsk Tsk.


I thought Kratos would have been a shoo-in for this list. You probably wouldn't survive the first date.

Snnnrrk, good point. Maybe we should have made it a Top 20, it could go on for yonks.