Thursday, July 05, 2012

Megabits' Five Favourite Gaming Dissolutes

You remember that guy your Aunt married? The one everyone said was too young for her? They’d visit every Christmas and he’d spend the whole day doing lines in the toilet and trying to impress your sister while Aunt Debbie cried, made the house stink of Silk Cut and wouldn’t let anyone else near the wine? Well gaming is full of characters just as sloshed and sleazy as Aunty Debbie and “Uncle” Derek, only instead of mocking them, we pay good money to pretend to be them. Here are our favourite five:

Your boss' daughter, Snake - I'm just saying that's creepy is all
Solid Snake
A grizzled old duffer who hangs out with the young daughter of his boss and ‘restores’ himself with frequent porn stops? Classy. Amazingly, Sony fanboys have abandoned Snake in favour of Kratos as the console’s iconic character these days, as Kratos seems less sleazy. Note to Snake, when you make an incessantly priapic Greek mass murderer in a loincloth look dignified, it’s time to clean up your act.

Violette Szabo
War makes people do strange things. So does heroin addiction. But only in Violette Szabo’s creepy little world of Velvet Assassin does heroin make you strip down to your skimpies and run around wartime France gizzard-slitting Nazis. 

Amazing how often people say "ironic" when they mean "sleazy", isn't it?
Duke Nukem
Just like “Uncle” Derek, Duke Nukem thinks he’s still young and hip, and doesn’t realise just how out of touch he is. Muscle vests and strip joints? They’re almost as outdated as your low res textures, but nowhere near as outdated as your sleazy attitude.

Sam Gideon
We’re sure Sam Gideon would claim that he can quit whenever he wants, that he only smokes to “distract enemy robots” (why didn’t I use think of that one when it was quitting time?) but when your trachea sounds as thoroughly violated as Sam’s does in Vanquish, then it’s definitely time to give up smoking. Sam, and to a larger extent 90% of action game characters, need to realise that an unmodulated sandpaper growl doesn’t make you sound tough, it makes you sound constipated.

If you don't stop polishing that thing, you'll go blind.

Travis Touchdown
Ok, Travis (No More Heroes) never claimed to be anything but a nerd, but that doesn’t make his bathroom habits any less creepy. Sure, he’s got a “lightsaber” and he needs to “polish” it to get it all “charged up”. That’s exactly what all teenaged nerds say. That and “I’ll be out in a minute.”