There are things in gaming that are useless: clip-on plastic Wii accessories? Useless. Sheva Alomar? Pointless. IGN Walkthroughs? Worthless. But there are few things in gaming more useless than the clothes some characters choose to wear. We’re not talking about the taste and fashion sense disasters sported by the characters in a JRPG, or the ridiculously overwrought armour sported by the leads in Gear of War or Darksiders. Those maybe ugly, but at least they make sense. No, what we’re concerned with are the outfits that are downright counterproductive.
Adam Jensen - Deus Ex
Poor old Adam Jensen, not only is he trapped in an unexpectedly tedious and old-fashioned game, but he can’t even dress for the part. That long trench coat might be good for flashers or moody Goths, but this is a guy who shoots blades from his elbows. The repair bills he gets from his tailors must be horrifying. Not that he can read them, as he’s wearing his shades indoors. Double-twat.
Dante - Dante’s Inferno
So there you are, a mediavel knight clad in chainmail and plate armour, about to descend through the nine circles of hell engaging in close combat with the denizens of the nether world. What’s the first thing you do? If you’re Dante, you remove all that protective armour. The man must be mad. Still, we suppose he’s at least gained a certain amount of maneuverability. Lets hope he doesn’t hamper it by doing something stupid like stitching a piece of fabric directly to his skin.
The Jill Valentine miniskirt-and-boobtube combo might make life easy for lazy convention cosplayers, but in a world filled with hungry zombies, poisonous spiders and angry er…Lickers (don’t ask), we’ve never understood why she thinks it’s sensible to show so much flesh.
Meryl - Metal Gear Solid
A longstanding query this, but why would a soldier stationed at a base in the middle of a snowfield somewhere in the Arctic circle be issued with a traditional olive-drab jungle uniform? It’s a sensible question in it’s own right, but one that soon gets replaced by an even more pertinent one: why is she wearing a vest top in the middle of a blizzard?
Deprived - Dark Souls
Probably the clearest example of someone who is completely unprepared for what he’s about to face is the Deprived, the most challenging starting class in Dark Souls. Everything in Dark Souls hates you, wants you dead, and is tougher, faster and deadlier than you are. And what does the Deprived choose to face this unforgiving world with? A couple of pieces of two-by-four and a grubby loincloth. The world of Dark Souls is one of the most imaginative and absorbing environments in gaming, but this un-armoured fool won’t live to see it.