We’ve had my pick of the best weapons in videogames, now here’s our pick of the most useless ones – the weapons that make you want to turn the game disk into a Frisbee, or as I enjoy – a coaster.
10) Poker chips/cards (Dead Rising 2)
Anybody who’s been to Vegas will know the fun Sin City offers – just as anyone who visited Dead Rising 2’s Vegas knock-off will know that poker chips – even when combined with gaffa tape – are a useless weapon for taking on a horde of bloodthirsty zombies. Aside from hurling several full-houses at the advancing horde, the best thing protagonist Chuck Greene can do with the huge number of chips and cards lying around is play patience while a zombie eats his face.
9) Blaster (Quake 2)
As the first weapon you start out with after crash landing on the planet Stroggos, you’d think that the standard-issue Marine Blaster would have enough power to take on the Strogg until you find something better. You’d be wrong. Ditched as soon as you get the shotgun, the blaster’s weak shots are more useful for lighting up dark corridors than for any sort of killing work.
8) Hammer of Dawn
(Gears of War 3)
The Hammer of Dawn is the most powerful weapon available to the immensely muscled Gears of the Coalition of Allied Governments, connected as the laser-designator is to an orbital weapons battery. It’s a shame, then, that it takes a good five seconds to acquire its targets, during which time you have to stand still. I can’t tell the locust chainsawing my head off to wait while I designate it, now can I.
7) Nuclear weapons
(Total Annihilation/Supreme Commander)
Considering the enormous arsenal available to the commanders of both Supreme Commander and Total Annihilation, it’s a wonder the developers even bothered to include nuclear missiles as an option. Ignoring the fact that you can build immense stompy robots in about five minutes, building a nuclear missile silo can take 45 minutes+, and then when you do build it, you have to build the missiles separately. And then – If you even get to fire one – your enemy has already built a glut of nuke defence launchers. Worthless.
6) Right hand (GoldenEye)
Inaccurate, unpowered, and instantly outclassed by anything that uses a bullet, James Bond’s right hand is a totally pointless addition to the super spy’s endless pocket-carried arsenal. Its only redeeming factor is that ‘Slappers Only’ matches on GoldenEye 007’s split-screen multiplayer were hilarious.