Thursday, January 10, 2013

Top Ten: Gaming's Most Useless Weapons (part two)

You didn't seriously miss the first part of Gaming's Most Useless Weapons, did you? If you want to see our previous five picks, click here.

5) Eggs (Resident Evil 4/5)
Whose idea was it to use dairy products as weapons to take on the zombie horde? Nevermind that the series protagonists are walking powerhouses capable of kicking zombies to death with their size 13s, or shooting their way through reams of bioweaponised nightmares with little more than a popgun – who thought it would help to have your zombies coated in eggy gloop as they shambled towards you? Sure, the ‘rotten egg’ would kill a target in one hit – but that don’t bother the other five gnawing on my shins...

4) Apple of Eden (Assassin’s Creed)
The Apple of Eden is less a weapon than it is a slightly distracting lightshow. It doesn’t fire anything, all it does is create mirror images, which any astute warrior will see through in .1 of a second. I didn’t need an Epcot Centre lightshow in my pocket when the big sword strapped to my hip will do just as well, thank you.

3) Prod (Worms)
Admittedly, when the prod worked as designed – a humiliation tool for gently nosing enemy worms into piles of TNT or off a cliff – it was brilliant. At all other times, or when you get the prod wrong, it was merely a way of antagonising the worm slightly to your left, leading them to atomise you with a Concrete Donkey...

2) Cane (Jekyll and Hyde)
It... Doesn’ Anything! All it does is swing at the air, not pushing my enemies back, or hurting them, or even tickling them. It does nothing! WHY DO I HAVE THIS IF IT DOES NOTHING?!
Is it some sort of a sick joke? This game – and this weapon – is the reason I stuck with my Megadrive when the Bit-wars were in full swing.

1) Splash/Magikarp (Pokemon)
Bloody useless animal. Maybe it’s getting revenge on me for capturing it and stuffing it into a tiny metal ball, then dragging it out to fight other such caged animals, but Magikarp are bloody useless.
Its ‘splash’ attack does as much damage as you’d expect – sod all. The game even takes the piss when you use that attack, clearly stating ‘It had no effect’. That said, I’m told Magikarp are good with a nice butter sauce.